Life Events: Reboot/Try Number 67,134

I know I don’t have a huge readership (if any really), but I haven’t blogged in months. Since Sept 2022. I’d say I’m sorry, but I don’t entirely feel apologetic. I didn’t feel like I had much to say. I was exhausted. I needed to focus on my day-job and my family for a bit. Life got in the way.

And in January I had a miscarriage. It was physically difficult. It was emotionally difficult. Honestly, I’m still dealing with it (emotionally at the very least).

I found out I was pregnant literally the day before Christmas (well the 25th anyway, we celebrated Christmas in January because of Covid-cases in the family – seriously, life got hard guys). When I went for my 8-week ultrasound, it wasn’t good. There might have been a heartbeat, the tech had to try three or four times to even get a “maybe” and then what she did find was much, much too slow. They asked if it was possible I was only 5-6 weeks along. Physically not possible unless there was divine intervention. And since I didn’t have any angels telling me “Good news” I’m going with “nope.”

That was Friday. Monday I started bleeding. I was taking my son up for bath+bed. I went to pee and I was bleeding. I started crying. Kiddo ran to the stairs calling for Daddy “Mommy’s hurt!”

Oh, I also had a broken foot at this point. That’s a different story and it tells you how awful 2023 was already going that the broken foot wasn’t the worst part. Needless to say, my husband didn’t take “Mommy’s hurt” very well, and I wasn’t in a good spot to help because I was sobbing my face off.

Tues I had another ultrasound and what little fluttering had been there Friday was gone. I’m not a technician and even I could see there wasn’t anything really there anymore. They told me I would probably have the actual miscarriage in 24-48 hours. 10 days later I went back because I hadn’t had that sort of discrete event and I was still bleeding. Another ultrasound, now showing a lot of blood in my uterus. Like a lot. That’s because I hadn’t had the miscarriage. I was given 3 choices:

1. Wait the weekend. If it doesn’t happen by mid-next week we schedule a D&C for the end of the week.
2. Go ahead and schedule a D&C for Monday or Tuesday
3. Take misoprostol and if it doesn’t induce the miscarriage, schedule a D&C Tues or Wed.

For those who don’t know D&C is a term which translate to “cut & scrape” – and although it is very, very safe overall, it comes with risks and complications like everything else. Less than “developing an infection and dying” would, but it isn’t something I’m excited to experience. “Fortunately,” misoprostol worked.

This is where I’m emotionally still processing. I don’t want to feel relief on something that makes me so angry and sad. But it was a relief to stop cramping and bleeding. It was a relief to regain my strength (bleeding for over a week can make you tired, did you know that?).

I know that doesn’t explain Sept-Dec (well, Nov/Dec is always hard because of holidays and stuff), but now you can see why Jan-April I haven’t been blogging. I’ve been surviving. But again, just to be self-honest – I hated it. I kept thinking of my blog and wanting to come write, but when I opened that blank page… I stopped. It wasn’t quite writer’s block. I had words in my head. It was an emotional-turned-physical exhaustion. Maybe that’s writer’s block of a different kind.

Either way, I am working damn hard to process the grief and get myself back to writing. I’ve gotten a few chapters over the past month (pittance, but better than I was doing) and I’ve done a full-edit-pass on the book I wrote back in November for NaNoWriMo (super proud of it too). Now to get myself back on this horse.