You know what is worse than having an asthma attack? Having an asthma attack for no apparent reason.
So much in life is like that – as long as we understand the cause & effect of our actions somehow when “bad things” happen it’s more acceptable to the brain. Like, if I go to a convention and then get the sniffles – well, I know that I was exposed to a couple thousand other people who carry germs from all over the country/world…. that’s my fault and I am sick ’cause of that choice I made.
When I have an asthma attack (or prolonged asthma-induced breathing efforts) and there is an orange smog alert – well there is a clear cause and I can’t blame me, but I have someone to blame. When the pollen count is high – makes sense!
This week I’ve been having asthma issues all week, especially at night. I’ve tried hot tea before bed. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night to use my inhaler. I’ve tried propping up my pillows (which is like the worst effort ever…. I end up with my face against the mattress then). I meant to try a breathe-right strip last night, but I was so exhausted I didn’t.
So I muddle through work, putting my brain-power that is available into my job. I come home and let the fog descend, let my mind drift and wander instead of trying to focus. You know, there are only a million projects I would like to tackle. Home improvement projects, sewing, writing…. but I sit on the couch and happily watch tv or play dumb games on my pc (as in they don’t require thinking, planning or effort). I have some RPG’s waiting for me to have time – and by time I mean:
The point of the day/week/life when the combined mental and physical energies are combined to allow for thoughts beyond “left” and “right” are possible.
It is frustrating because I feel like I’m wasting the 4-6 hours I have at home. I want to be one of those people who can do all the things I want to do… and I can’t. I can’t because I’m not sleeping well. I’m not sleeping well because I’m not breathing well. And I’m not breathing well…. because my body hates me?