warning: I am going to be writing about bad things that happened to me. If you don’t want to read about them -stop now. This is you last warning.
I have been back to dentist for the first time in 4 years. It wasn’t as bad as I feared, but neither were my teeth in perfect shape. I had a cleaning appointment in April of 2020, which was cancelled because of Covid. All of 2020 and most of 2021 (until vaccines were out) there was just no way I could convince myself to do it. Then…. fear and anxiety set in.
I got my first cavity when I was 17 or so. When I showed up at the dentist, he gave me a shot to numb the area and a few minutes later began to drill. I started to cry and said I could still feel everything. He didn’t believe me. I felt far too much of that filling.
When I got my wisdom teeth removed the summer before my senior year of college, this also went… poorly. The actual removal was fine. But when I returned for my check-up after a few weeks I was still in pain. It felt like there was something stuck back there. I told this to the oral surgeon that I had taken every one of the pain pills he’d prescribed and kept having to take asprin and tylenol constantly. He shrugged and said he wasn’t allowed to give me more pain meds. When he got into my mouth to examine me, it turns out there was a glob of nasty food stuck in my wound. You see, his team was supposed to give me a special syringe to clean and they had not. So I had shit in my wound. And it fucking hurt.
The first dentist I went to after college told me no one would ever marry me because I had crooked teeth. I was so shocked, I don’t think I even responded. I honestly just remember staring at him in shock and disbelief that I was even hearing such bullshit.
I finally found a dentist who wasn’t an asshole. I had a good several years in the late 20-teens when my teeth stayed healthy.
It doesn’t make going to the dentist any easier. As two years circled past since I had been, I began to fear what would be found. After three years thinking about making the appointment made me want to cry. As I circled up towards four, and I want to be a good, healthy example for my son…. Oh, and now my insurance wouldn’t cover my good dentist at all. So I’d need to go to someone new to boot.
I asked my doctor for help. Many dentists offer laughing gas – can I use that? Oh, nope. Contra-indicated for asthmatics. So she prescribed me something to take before an appointment which is recommended for people who panic about the dentist.
Well, I finally made it. Gums aren’t in great shape, but my teeth are mostly in decent shape. One old crown needs to be replaced, an old filling is showing some issues around it’s edges (the dentist described it as “ragged”). I have one new cavity. Honestly, I was mentally preparing for an “up-down” win of less-than-five cavities so I call this a WIN.
I still basically leaked tears while the hygenist cleaned my teeth. I couldn’t help it. I kept expecting pain and no amount of logic could convince my poor brain they weren’t going to hurt me.
I’ve already told my husband I cannot be the one to take our son to the dentist. I can help find a pediatric dentist, but I can’t make the appointment and I can’t take him. I don’t want my fears and anxiety to poison him. Dentists aren’t assholes. Well, not all of them anyway. I know I’ve had bad luck.
Dream by Day 