I can’t believe I haven’t written about this before. But I checked my past posts and it doesn’t look like it. I’m sure I’ve referenced the idea before. It’s too important.
I’m going to set a scene. Two people are walking in the same direction. The person in front accidentally swings their arm and hits the second person. It wasn’t their intent, but they still did damage. Another example is when someone says something “triggering” – which I know is a loaded term. But to someone who has been in an abusive relationships, there might be words or minor actions which are generally completely innocent but trigger within the person some kind of reaction – physical or emotional.
The intent was not to do harm, but the impact was harm regardless of their intent. This happens. Whether it’s physical, social, or emotional – we sometimes inadvertantly cause each other harm. I think it’s one of the costs of being part of a community.
Where it becomes an issue is after the impact has been made. Let’s assume it was unintentional – you trip and run into someone. You laugh right after taking a drink and spray soda all over someone. You mention going to see a movie and the person admits to you that they were assaulted while watching that movie. You bring a dog up to someone who was once attacked and still harbors a mild phobia….
Impact was made.
I think most people know they should apologize. The words, “I am so sorry” can be powerful when spoken sincerely. I think what is often lacking in our current social environment (a larger social environment at least across the US, I can’t speak to other places) is that sincerity. I think there are a lot of either people being very insincere or refusing to apologize claiming that their intent is what mattered.
On this second attitude, I entirely disagree. Your intent matters little when the result is causing pain. I might not mean to let my campfire get out of control – but I burned down 1,200 acres and left over 10 families homeless. My intent did not matter to those people or those animals. It doesn’t matter to the thousands who dealt with bad air quality because of my actions. I causes literal suffering through my actions and I should feel remorse.
Sticking with a simple example, if I accidentally, spill coffee on someone then I owe it to them to help them dry off. I owe it to them to try to get the smell out of their clothes. It was an accident, but I need to accept responsibility for my impact regardless. And sometimes, we have to address the impact of someone else’s actions. One accident on my path can really destroy my commute to work. It doesn’t matter it was an accident and it didn’t directly impact me. It indirectly impacts me, I still have to deal with both the loss of time and all the other people who now are more stressed, frustrated, and late around me (and thus driving even dumber).
I am trying to give a swath of examples both large and small. My toddler is learning this, and he is really struggling with it. I watch him as he doesn’t understand why, just because he ran into someone and knocked them down, he’s getting into trouble. He didn’t mean to. It’s hard to watch as he struggles because he doesn’t intend to hurt others. He doesn’t intend to be a sociopath (yes, it’s Onion piece. It’s a joke people). He is learning, but it’s a learning curve and honestly, pretty fascinating to watch as a Mom.
However, a sincere apology can help. There still might be consequences (this is the hardest part for the tot to grasp). Yes, you were genuinely sorry you spilled the cereal. You still have to clean it up. You still might not get more. You still might end up in a time out because you were told not to play with something. The drunk driver never intended to get into that car accident that left someone else paralyzed.
Accepting the consequences is also part of the manners. We all know that person who doesn’t intend to be a toxic friend you can’t trust to arrive on time, pay for their meal, or you know, be dependable. But they are untrustworthy. As a consequence you might find yourself not inviting them or only inviting them to some things or just… phasing them out.
Consequences often suck. They definitely aren’t usually applied to the good things, they have a strong negative connotation. Accepting them graciously can be very challenging. It can also be a moment for some of your best growth as a person. Examining the impact your own actions (or lack of actions?) led to a consequence is one of those pathways for some strong growth. It can be painful.
I’m seeing near-daily examples in my child. Those small consequences which sometimes feel huge to him. I’m looking at my own actions in a new light. I am looking at how political figures handle both their own personal failures and addressing the consequences of our history. I am asking the question about impact, regardless of intent, and how we are going to fix it. It doesn’t matter what caused the pothole or the ozone layer hole or the wildfire (that felt a hole in the forest) at some point we just have to buckle down and start trying to fix it.
Dream by Day 