I can finally give a concrete example of anxiety manifesting in 2020. For the past two days or so I am bothered. I am turning it over and over and over in my mind. I get upset and grumble and gripe about it to myself. I literally start arguing with myself over it.
No, I am not upset with my husband or even politics. I am worrying on a Star Trek Deep Space 9 episode. I haven’t seen it in a year or more, but it’s on my mind.
For the STDS9 fans, it’s the episode when Kiko O’Brien is possessed by the bajoran Fire Demon. She has been on the planet seeing the “fire caves” which is a tourist destination and is possessed by this evil (in the bajoran religion) non-corporeal entity (a spirit). The show begins when she comes home and Miles O’Brien, her husband, is waiting for her with her favorite exotic chocolates as an apology for killing her bonsai. Spirit brushes it off and informs him that if he does not do exactly what she says, his wife will die instantly. Hijinks ensue but eventually she is exorcised of the entity and all is well.
What bothers me is the unanswered question. How did Kiko feel about her bonsai being killed? I don’t remember if she (the botonist) had been caring for the bonsai for a long time or if it was a family heirloom-like-thing (from her Japanese heritage). I don’t remember how old it is. But she left her husband instructions to take care of it and he killed it (over watered or under watered – I don’t remember!).
The Fire Demon shrugs it off with a “I don’t care” even though it supposedly knows everything Kiko would know – doesn’t it know how she would feel? Why can’t it tell us???? And then at the end of the episode Kiko is just glad to be alive and free and so we don’t get to see the fight three days later when she processes he killed her precious plant.
Or was it not as important to her as Miles and their daughter (Molly?) like the Fire Demon said in the episode? I don’t know because they don’t cover this.
This is making me CRAZY. I have literally yelled at Miles in my head for being a bad husband. And then I took a step back to make sure I wasn’t obsessing on this because I’m really upset with my husband. If I am, I haven’t been able to see why. It is so frustrating because I know this is dumb. This is DUMB.
And I can’t turn it off.
My brain wants to fight over whether Kiko should be upset. And how upset.
And I know it’s an expression of anxiety. I know my brain wants this, because fiction can be solved when the real world can’t be. And in some ways that is also scary because I am afraid I could lose myself in fantasies. And I don’t really want to. I love my husband and my child and my extended family and my friends (chosen family). I don’t want to get lost.